Freeza's Problem
by Shadode
Summary: Sequel to Freeza Has A Cold. Freeza has a little problem......a very embarassing little problem.


Author's note: If you don't like bathroom humor, you may not like this. But for those of you sicko's like me, enjoy, and hope you survive the laughter. ^_^

Freeza's Problem

Swirling his fourth glass of wine, Freeza stared boredly out the window of his ship as he waited for it to land. It had taken HOURS to wash off all that snot from Zarbon and Dodoria's sneezing. Having a cold was Hell.

Freeza's life was about to get much worse.

"Blasted wine bottles are too small. Zarbon! Bring me some more of this!" Freeza jiggled the wine bottle that he had just emptied into his glass, and Zarbon grumbled while obeying the order. Dodoria and Coola were standing down the hall snickering at something as the green-haired man approached. "What's so funny?"

Coola straightened with the bottle of red wine he was messing with. "Observe the classic practical joke." With that, he proceeded to pour a diuretic into the bottle. Then he put the cork on the bottle and shook it up to make sure everything mixed. Dodoria buried his face in his hands and giggled like some sick blowfish. Coola elbowed him in the stomach to make him shut up and handed the bottle to Zarbon. "Make sure he drinks it all, and the fun will start in about half an hour."

Snickering, Zarbon grabbed the bottle. "You're definitely more fun than Freeza is. What's your number?"

Coola wrinkled his nose, "I'm straight. Beat it!" He kicked Zarbon in the butt and watched him trip down the corridor.

"Sure you are." Dodoria snickered. Coola kicked him in the butt too and walked off.

"Finally! What took you so long!?" Freeza complained as Zarbon handed him the wine bottle.

"Sorry….I had to make a little pit stop." Zarbon answered, trying not to snicker as he walked out. Ten minutes later, he heard Freeza throwing the empty bottle away. Freeza came out of his quarters and started ordering his men around.

Due to a problem with one of the fuel intake mechanisms, the landing of the ship was delayed for over an hour. That made Freeza very cranky, and he was screaming at just about anyone that happened to walk by him as he paced around near the main monitor. _If we don't land this ship soon, someone is going to pay…_ He became aware that he kinda had to pee, but he shook his head and continued pacing.

Another hour went by, Freeza was getting more irritated and he was still wearing a rut in the ground. He was about to turn to the bathroom when Zarbon came over the com and said, "We'll be landing in thirty seconds, sir."

Sighing, Freeza touched his scouter and replied, "Very well."

Coola smirked from around the corner when he saw his little brother give the bathroom a longing look before he jumped into his hoverpod and zipped away.

The first thing that greeted Freeza upon arrival was a rather nice fountain with lovely vertical streams of water shooting up. Freeza crossed one leg over the other and tried to avoid looking at it as he motioned for his men to follow. Zarbon, Dodoria and Coola all exited the ship, smirking at each other.

"That's a nice fountain." Dodoria commented. "What does it remind you of?"

"Ohhhhh, I dunno…taking a leak?" Zarbon snickered.

Coola chuckled and said, "I bet that thing is no fun to look at when you've really gotta go…"

"Will you KINDLY SHUT UP!??!!!" Freeza shouted with a snarl, then turned and destroyed the fountain with a thought. Unfortunately, when he did that, the small streams of water became an out of control guyser. His eyes crossed, then closed, and he sighed in annoyance.

"No, NOW it looks like someone's taking a leak." Dodoria said loudly so Freeza would hear it, then grinned at Zarbon and Coola when Freeza squirmed in his hoverpod.

"Pssssss…" Zarbon added in.

Freeza started banging his head against the back of his hoverpod. "The next person to make a comment about peeing is dead. Understood?!"

"Yes sir!" The three replied in unison.

Then Coola asked, "Anybody thirsty?"

Nobody answered, but Freeza was still squirming uncomfortably in his hoverpod while flying it to the nearest village. His squirming got even worse when he realized there was _another_ fountain in the village. The fountain was a very bad sculpture of a humanoid figure taking a leak.

"Must this planet insist upon these annoying fountains!?" Freeza cursed, scaring villagers away as he blew the head off the bad sculpture. Water shot out the new hole, and he sighed in annoyance. "What is the resource we're after anyway?"

"Mineral water." Zarbon snickered, tapping his scouter.

"Do what you must, then. Let's split up."

Zarbon nodded and headed north, while Coola went west. Dodoria headed east and Freeza started south.

Low and behold, there was a porta-potty sitting out by the edge of the town. Freeza hopped out of his hoverpod, walked up to the door and went to open it. It was locked. Growling, he pounded on the door, only to be answered by two people moaning. _Great, I have to pee and they're using the bathroom to have sex!_ In his frustration, he blew up the porta potty and the people inside. Then he climbed back into his hoverpod and looked around, noticing some shops and another fountain.

"This is just great." He muttered and sat on his tail to keep it still. When he got to a shop, he asked to use the bathroom, but the shop-keeper pointed to a sign that said 'paying customers only'. Freeza got so pissed that he blew up the shop. Then he got back into his hoverpod and kept flying without even the slightest awareness that Zarbon, Dodoria and Coola were all watching the show from high in the air.

"Do you think he's had enough yet?" Zarbon asked.

"Nah!" Coola replied.

Dodoria just snickered.

Freeza came to a stop just outside a restroom. Unfortunately, it was the ladies room, and just as he was about to charge inside and kill everyone to get privacy, a woman came through the door and hit him with her purse while calling him a pervert.

"Aw screw this! All I want is to take a fricken pee!" Freeza proceeded to blow the restroom up, killing everyone inside. Then he turned, heading back towards his ship. He tapped his scouter and feigned a calm tone, "I'm on my way back. Be ready."

From his spot up above, Coola took out a Super Soaker, pumped it, then fired it right down on Freeza. Freeza didn't bother to stop and look up, he was in such a hurry, but the water was pissing him off even more. The Super Soaker was empty by the time Freeza reached the ship, so Coola threw it over the horizon to destroy the evidence.

Soaking wet from the water gun, with his hand in his crotch and a desperate look on his face, Freeza dove out of his hoverpod and ran into his ship. Because some of the water had gotten his leg wet, it appeared as something other then water was running down his leg, and all his men started snickering.

One of the men was about to enter the nearest bathroom when Freeza shoved him aside, dove into the bathroom and slammed the door. He assumed the position and whipped it out. Relief began almost instantly, but he had to back up about a foot from the toilet to keep from splashing himself. His eyes crossed, his black lips pulled into a smile and his head dropped back.

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

"OOOOHHHH!!!!! AAHHHH! Ohhhhhh yeah…aaahhhhhh! Who's your daddy! Who's your daddy!" Freeza's sexual-sounding moans could be heard all over the ship since he forgot to turn off the com to his scouter after contacting the ship to tell them he was returning. He just kept moaning, oblivious to everything but the relief as he took the longest leak he ever took in his life.

Coola, Zarbon and Dodoria were laughing their asses off, but quickly shut each other up when the toilet flushed and the door slammed open. Freeza came walking out with a smirk on his face that led many to believe that he had just gotten laid.

Zarbon slid over to Freeza and asked, "Sir? Are you alright?"

Snapping out of it, Freeza replied, "I'm fine now, Zarbon. Why would you ask me such a stupid question!?"

"Sorry, sir. Would you like a drink?"

Freeza didn't answer. Instead, his red eyes crossed, a moan escaped his throat and he proceeded to fall over backwards with his feet in the air.


End file.
